A long time ago in another lifetime, I heard a whisper. I was sitting on an exam bed in a doctor's office listening to my doctor hypothesize about what had brought me to him.
"There's an 80% chance it's nothing, a 20% chance we'll have to take it out, and of that 20%, a 5% chance it's cancer."
And there was the whisper. My heart heard it. My head said, "This is interesting."
I didn't think much about it and passed the wait for test results without any worry. Then there was a phone call, "We have your test results, blah, blah, blah, cancer. We'd like you to come in and discuss things with the doctor."
I hung up the phone and that afternoon Dad and I headed to the county clinic where I had first been seen. We sat down with the doctor and blah, blah, blah, cancer. A few questions, some answers, a plan of attack, and we went home.
A few hours later, I received a phone call. The doctor himself wanted to be sure I understood that in the midst of all that blah, blah, blah, he had said cancer in reference to me and my thyroid. I had. I had also understood that survival was very high as was post treatment quality of life. The doctor wasn't worried about me if I followed through with the treatments, so I didn't see any reason for me to be worried about me. He was worried that I wasn't worried. But I had heard a whisper so somewhere deep inside I knew.
I knew before the phone call. I knew as soon as he said 5%. But I also knew that as long as I could hear that whisper, all would be well.
A few weeks ago I heard a whisper again. This time it wasn't anything as dramatic as the big C. I was at a cafe having a drink with a friend when she mentioned she was abstaining from wheat for Lent.
There was the whisper. "Wheat."
My heart heard it. My head said, "Please, no." And I did everything I could to ignore it. I think I headed straight to a bakery.
Jude (Jules, Julian, Dr. J. We had such a hard time deciding on a name that we've taken a lot of liberties with nicknames) developed a rash on his face and arms and back a while ago. It would come and go initially but started to stay for longer and longer periods.
Somewhere along this motherhood journey I started to pick up a bit more compassion. This had happened with O and I did the very least I could do and gave up dairy for a week or two and convinced myself that yogurt and cheese didn't count. Seriously? Life without cheese? It helped a bit. I think it somehow skipped S or got lost in the blur that was the few short months between delivering him and getting pregnant again.
Now that it was happening with Dr. J, I was a bit stronger and quit dairy full stop. No yogurt. No cheese. Ok, butter yes-- I'm not a saint. The first day or two his skin cleared with that amazing speed which only the rapidly dividing cells of growing babies can give. I swear he took a nap and woke up and it was gone.
Then slowly it came back. I doubled my efforts. No soy milk even (from what I've read the protein in soy milk can cause similar allergies to dairy and soy is no good for thyroid issues). Oat milk on muesli is so wrong. But it wasn't helping.
I heard a whisper and I tried and tried to ignore it. A few weeks ago I manned up and cut out wheat as well as dairy and my baby boy is a glow worm. He woke up this morning radiant. I spent the day starving and exerting the most self control I've ever been called on to use when serving O his crackers and cheese, my favourite snack.
I hate that those whispers are always right but I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who sends them, no matter how big or how small. I'm hoping a dairy and wheat free diet is the key to losing baby weight but I need recipes. Regan, I'm looking your way. Is a wheat free pie crust even worth trying? And anyone out there mind sharing some of the sacrifices you've made for your babies? It really helps me to hear others' stories. Makes me feel not so alone when I sit down and eat my tenth bag of tortilla chips thinking they'll satisfy my baked goods cravings. Lindt bars in Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt are helping me survive.
4 comments:
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. There are many things your can substitute, but some things you cannot.
A good book to start with is Gluten-Free Baking Classics by
Annalise G. Roberts. This is what we use to make our chocolate chip cookies and pizza crust (it's a thin crust, but very good. I spread it on parchment paper because it's sticky). I've also made some of the bread recipes and the pie crust is ok. I did get these sugar cookies to work and they were delicious, but you have to refrigerate between every step, including after you cut out the cookies and before you put them in the oven. Actually, that's a good rule for all cookies. Otherwise they spread too much. You have to find brown rice flour, tapioca starch, potato starch and xantham gum. Also millet flour for the pizza dough. I grind my own b rice flour with a wheat grinder and buy all the rest of the stuff from Amazon. I don't know what sources you will have. Many gluten-free recipes are a bit sticky before you bake them, so I use a lot of parchment paper and refrigerate dough between steps. Also, a lot of things are crispy right away, but soften up after they set for a while or overnight. It's a weird thing about the way xantham gum works.
I buy my pasta. I like the Tinkyada brand, but I don't know what is available to you. Quinoa makes a good substitute for cous-cous.
I use Pamela's Baking Mix or a Pamela's cake mix when I have to bring something to an event. These make good muffins, cupcakes, banana bread, etc. It's nice because the kids can help and it feels like normal baking. There's also a Pamela's bread mix, but I haven't used it. All my attempts at bread were more work than they were worth.
There are some great blogs out there. http://glutenfreegirl.com/ I made some chocolate ginger shortbread cookies form there that were good. She also has the best pie crust recipe, although Aaron prefers when I make the Martha Stewart pie dough recipe with a flour mix from from the Analise Roberts cookbook. http://glutenfreegirl.com/gluten-free-pie-crust/ I think this one is the easiest to get right, but you do have to weigh ingredients. I used butter instead of lard.
I make the granola bars from here: http://amy-newnostalgia.blogspot.com/2010/05/best-recipe-ive-ever-messed-up.html
There are a ton of blogs and cookbooks out, but the above are my favorite and should give you a place to start. Good luck and let me know if you have any specific things your worried about. Hopefully it is an allergy (that he might grow out of) rather than a gluten intolerance (that he might have for life).
Also I remember when Noah was tiny and I had to cut out dairy and wheat, but I kept craving graham crackers and milk. Every once in a while I would give in and then he would throw up all over me.
So added to my no dairy, no wheat, no eggs, and no nuts list, is also apparently oatmeal. I've given up on breakfast altogether. I've had hot rice with rice milk for the past two days but my lunches were pad thai (rice noodles) and risotto (more rice) so I'm quickly reaching a limit of all the rice I can handle.
I was going to respond, Regan, but realized an email might be even better since I have many questions.
No oatmeal makes it worse. Sorry. Have you tried quinoa for breakfast? It works pretty well warm with some honey and rice milk and has some protein and fat so you don't get so hungry. I make it in the rice cooker and then store the extra in the fridge. I add it to Alba's food to up her protein content and Aaron sometimes eats it for breakfast. Email me with whatever questions you have.
We used to have quinoa a lot but then I seem to remember throwing it up and now the thought of it makes me queasy. It's a shame but I can't even bring myself to make it for the boys--so squiggly.
For now, rice is oddly filling. I usually don't get to eat lunch until around 4pm but if I have a bowl of rice in the morning I'm ok until then, more or less. I have a freind who is doing a 100 day no wheat and no dairy diet so we've been scoping out places to eat here. So far we've got arepas, wok food, Indian, Thai, and sushi that we can eat.
Post a Comment