These are our boys. I figured a post with pictures of our boys might get more responses than anything else since, really, they're a lot more interesting too look at than my neck or hand or vase. Lately I've been using the blog more for whatever is on my mind because I can. It's just an experiment in public journaling which I hope to one day have a good laugh over. The truth is my friends keep moving and I'm taking my emotional needs and loneliness out on whichever stalwart blog readers are still around. Because of said lack of friends (and because Big Benson [another story] is sick of me keeping him up until 3am), I need to vent and to ask for help. About this time last year I breathed a sigh of relief that O was born after January 1st because it meant that I could sit back and relax while all my friends stressed school applications for their babies in O's cohort. Of course a little lump of dread started forming in my heart but I learned to push it away by getting a belly so big there was no room for unwanted snowballing feelings of said dread. Then I had a baby and forgot the dread.
Now it's back and I am scrambling to find ways to shoo it away. The thing is (I hate that I use that phrase but am powerless to stop) the school system here is set up so that children start at 3 years old in a full time classroom, 9 to 5. This does not sit well with me.
What is a hovering mother, who is in denial of being such, to do?
Solution: We can not put him in school yet. School is not obligatory until the calendar year in which they turn 6 years old.
Consequences: We kind of put ourselves in a worse position for getting a spot in a good school when the time comes for full on school. There simply won't be as many spots available and so we could end up not getting one. However, they use a points system here and we gain more points for things like having a registered familia numerosa (large family here=more than three kids. This ain't Utah) and Andrew working in the area. If we wait, we'll have our family registered as as a super duper huge giant family according to standards here by the time O does have to go to school so we'll get extra special points. Might not getting hurt so bad.
But there's the issue of language development. If O stays home and doesn't get language exposure then he'll be thrown into school at age 6 with little understanding of what's going on. He gets about four hours a day of Catalan in school here.
And there's his social development. All his friends will be in school and kids at the playgrounds are younger than him.
Solution: A Catalan nanny for a few hours a week and no school.
Consequences: Takes care of language issues, kind of. At least he maintains exposure to Catalan but I don't know any Catalan nannies. Well, I know one but I think she's busy in the mornings when I would need her. There's also the social issue to consider.
Solution: O goes to school but I volunteer in the classroom for a few hours every week.
Consequences: Most everyone I talk to here thinks this isn't a viable option. Teachers see the classroom as their place that they earned and no one can take from them. Not even parents. I have a huuuge problem with this both as a parent and as a former teacher.
So what do I do? What would you do? I spent nap time today looking up Ted talks on education and the importance of play and watching the Kony video, of course. And here's the thing (see, powerless), my biggest prayer and hope for my boys is that they will be a force for good in the world. I feel a bit limited in my ability to be so right now because my sphere of influence is limited to a few good friends, some family, a husband who is already a much better person than I am, and my three preciouses. And a cat. But my hope is that I can raise those preciouses to be stronger and braver and more good than I am, not to fulfill my hopes for them or my pressures on them, but because I've nurtured their spirits in a way that doesn't cloud their divine potential so they can't help but make the world a better place for their being in it. Is that too much to ask?
But seriously, over and over my prayer for them is that they will be forces for good in the world, not just good people, but forces. No matter how good a teacher they get, how good their school is, can I trust a stranger to help my three year old do this? Can I accomplish it in the three hours after school before bed and on the weekends when I get to see him? Am I strong enough to do what feels right in my heart? What do you think? What would you do? Thoughts, please, anyone (if you've made it through this post, especially if I've never met you-- think I've already bugged anyone I already know about it).
9 comments:
Hi Marie! At the moment I'm agonizing over where to send Rosie to Kindergarten. It seems like the biggest and most important choice I've ever made. I think I understand a little of what you feel. I have learned in the last few years that other people can also be wonderful and powerful examples of goodness to my children. I have seen how my once-shy child blossomed into a happy social kid through preschool. I have learned that a big part of motherhood is about doing the best I can for my kids at home and then finding the best people for them when we're not home. And then I need to let those people work their magic and let go a little. I think that you can love your children and send them to school and that they will still follow your example of goodness.
Please feel free to disregard any advice I give. You are on your own path and there are no judgements coming from Texas.
Honestly I would recommend picking a plan and finding a way to make that work. You have thought through the pros and cons, so now is the time to decide and make a plan.
If you choose home, you are correct that there will not be as many kids to play with. We kept Noah home more than others did, so I had to arrange older-kid activities for him when a friend was watching Elliot. We did some great activities around town and in small groups of older kids. I also have some home school friends that do after school play dates so that their kids meet with other kids in the neighborhood, just after regular school time. Your school hours are long, so I don't know if that would work for you. If you really want him home, you can make it work. You will find a way to get him the things he needs.
If you choose school, plan one-on-one activities for you and your son. Complete attention can help make up for total time. You also might have to find some stress relief activities for him when he gets home from school. Sometimes Noah is bursting when he leaves school and needs some time to decompress. I have learned to respect that and that I have to direct him in this because he doesn't recognize on his own that he needs some stress relief.
Finally, I hope that teaching school gave you confidence as a parent. You are not on drugs. You have not abandoned your children to the care of a distant relative. You love your children and they know it. If you child starts to have trouble, you will notice and do something about it. Good luck. And call us sometime. The boys love to show everyone their cars on Skype.
Thank you guys. It's comforting to remember your point, Nancy, that other people can be examples of goodness to my children. And Regan, I'm not at all disregarding your advice. I knew coming into having kids that it would be important to build one on one time with each of them into our day and so we've always tried to do that as much as possible.
The issue for me isn't so much a problem of O going to school in general, it's just that three years old seems way too young to be in school that much. Right now o goes to preschool for about four hours a day and already I feel like I never get to see him. He comes home, has a snack, takes a nap for two hours or more, has dinner and a bath, and goes back to bed. He barely gets to play at home and so I'm grateful that the school he goes to is all about play but I want to play with him, too.
My issue with it all is more the timing. I just think three is too young to be away from his home so much. We were running him to school one morning and I got so upset because I felt like he has fifteen more years of waking up and being pushed out the door for school ahead of him, do I really need to start it now? Shouldn't he have more time at home to follow the natural rhythms of his body and to just be with his family?
The two things sticking in my mind most lately are these:
First, my mom died when I was five. She was an interior decorator who worked from home, seminary teacher, and Joy School teacher. I am so grateful for her example of a strong woman who followed and fulfilled her passions both inside and outside the home. I am also so so grateful that in following those passions, she found a way to do it that allowed her time for herself but also time with me. Some of my strongest memories of her are lessons in Joy School that she taught. If I were in school for eight hours a day, I don't think I would have had as much connection and memories of the few years I had with her as I do now. I hopefully will have more time with my children than she did, but it will forever be in my mind not to take for granted each day I have and do I really want my little boy to spend so much of those days in school?
Second, I was talking to a friend of my sister and she said something that keeps ringing in my head. "I've never heard a parent say they wish they had spent less time with their children." From the start I have known I needed to build in time alone for myself and so I have trained my boys, for better or for worse, to take their naps together so I can have an hour or two in the afternoon. I kind of trust the strength of my own selfishness to help me set limits that keep my sanity existent and so I think I can find a way to not have to do school.
I really am not a helicopter mom-- in fact, I barely consider myself a mother-- but three just seems too young. I know the time will come for school and I'm excited because I know most teachers will be able to provide my boys with ideas and experiences and activities I could never do. I'm just not convinced that time is now.
And, Nancy, it is funny how critical his choice seems to be. It's not like this is preschool in Manhattan.
Dear Andrew and Marie -
I rejoice in the goodness of your hearts, your love for your wonderful boys, and your great concern for their well-being.
I've been impressed by the thoughtful and insightful comments from Nancy and Regan. (Can't help noticing the little joke there.)
As your parent, I feel I could take either of two courses. One would be to say I'm going to be silent and just pray that you'll make the best decision as you exercise your agency. Or, I could feel I have something worthwhile to say and offer it up for whatever value you might find in it. Guess which one I'm going to do.
Marie, I hope you'll follow your motherly instincts--they are divine gifts from your creator given to bless the lives of your loved ones. (I've never heard anyone say they were sorry for following divine promptings.)
Besides being Mr. Personality-plus, Oliver is a bright boy and will easily come up to whatever educational learning level he needs to when he needs to do it.
You spoke of helping your boys become forces for good in this world. What a wonderful objective!
Being good is loving and serving our fellow earth travelers. And who will teach them how to love and serve? Who has that divine mission? Is that a school teacher's goal?
I feel you and Andrew are blessed with wonderful opportunities to show the "world" a better way of living. In doing so, you will have to go against the winds of worldly wisdom sometimes, until others see and recognize your way is, indeed, a better way.
May I share one other thought? I have fewer years in mortality than most people currently on this planet, but sometimes this is compensated for with the blessing of seeing things clearer than I used to see them. One of those things is the principle of divine timing in our lives. (How I wish I had understood and applied that principle better in my own life.) I like this thought from the hymn, "Improve the Shining Moments":
Time flies on wings of lightning, We cannot call it back. It comes, then passes forward Along its onward track. And if we are not mindful, The chance will fadeaway. For life is quick in passing, 'Tis as a single day.
I think this is similar to the message found in the opening of the 3rd Chapter of Ecclesiastes when the psalmist says:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
And, so, with all my love, I ask, "What is Oliver's season now?"
Dad
I haven't read blogs or written on mine in so long, but I felt like I should check yours tonight. I have a lot of thought on this subject, but my short answer is keep him home with you. Now that both my kids are in school for 6 hours a day I miss them terribly. Everyone says it goes by fast, but when you have 3 little ones at home that may not seem true, but it is. Unless you really think you are going to raise your children in Spain until they are 18, I don't think it matters what everyone else is doing. Time spent at home with you will be the greatest gift you can give Oliver. I love you Marie and know that whatever you decide your children will be fine because they have amazing and wonderful parents.
I haven't read blogs or written on mine in so long, but I felt like I should check yours tonight. I have a lot of thought on this subject, but my short answer is keep him home with you. Now that both my kids are in school for 6 hours a day I miss them terribly. Everyone says it goes by fast, but when you have 3 little ones at home that may not seem true, but it is. Unless you really think you are going to raise your children in Spain until they are 18, I don't think it matters what everyone else is doing. Time spent at home with you will be the greatest gift you can give Oliver. I love you Marie and know that whatever you decide your children will be fine because they have amazing and wonderful parents.
I haven't read blogs or written on mine in so long, but I felt like I should check yours tonight. I have a lot of thought on this subject, but my short answer is keep him home with you. Now that both my kids are in school for 6 hours a day I miss them terribly. Everyone says it goes by fast, but when you have 3 little ones at home that may not seem true, but it is. Unless you really think you are going to raise your children in Spain until they are 18, I don't think it matters what everyone else is doing. Time spent at home with you will be the greatest gift you can give Oliver. I love you Marie and know that whatever you decide your children will be fine because they have amazing and wonderful parents.
Holly, I published your comment all three times that it was posted since I thought it was funny and it made me so happy. Even with three little ones at home, I feel like time with them flies. I read a book about multiple dimensions a little while back and I cling fiercely to the hope that time is not linear and these moments with my men are not gone forever. You've always been such a good example to me of a parent who is there in the present with her children. I'm hoping to be more like that.
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