As I went to bed last night and made the "woe is me" list in my head, this rash wasn't even on there. Just remembered it this morning and figured it at least gave me a photo to put up with this post. I know I'm allergic to nickel but apparently I'm also allergic to very cheap 1 Euro acrylic scarves with pretty little butterflies on them. Next time I'll try one without butterflies.
So my day yesterday started going bad around about 12.01am. Ok, more like 12.45am when I crawled into the bed I'd made on the couch. I was feeling sick and didn't want to keep Andrew up so I made my home there for the night. I was so excited to be in bed so early and had high hopes for the night. That lasted about as long as it took for my dream to take a really really bad turn. At 3am I woke up freaked out and wanting my bed. Felt like a little kid as I took the frightening long walk down the hall in the dark to the safety of the parents' bed except this time I'm the parent.
So crawled into bed with Andrew and drifted off again, no problem, until 4am when S woke up screaming. He's normally good about sleep during the night so I indulged him and gave him some milk. Felt much less indulgent at 4.45am when he was refusing to go back to sleep and I was falling asleep holding him. Finally got him down and drifted back to sleep again for about ten minutes before some crazy guy started yelling for Diego to come outside now-- right outside each of our bedroom windows. I have no idea who Diego is but apparently he lives in our building because the crazy guy then decided to go and ring every single apartment's buzzer at least twice until Diego gave in and talked to him. About the second time the buzzer rang I was considering putting hate mail in Diego's mailbox if he didn't take care of this. Finally heard the lift go up and down, front door to building open, and shouting stopped. Got a good four hours of sleep before we had to be up.
And that was just the night. Won't bore you with details but the day involved having to stay home with two cranky kids in order to let workmen come in and out of our flat to work on our patio. That involved lots of ringing the doorbell right after either child had fallen asleep or started crying, lots of dust everywhere, and lots of just being in the house with no way of escaping to let everyone work off their bad vibes.
I was so tired, so cranky, and still recovering from being sick and just didn't have the resources to deal with things. We had to take S up to the pediatrician and couldn't leave until after 7pm. That meant we didn't get out of there until about 8.30pm and had to find food. Managed to just barely miss any bus that would be helpful, finally got some food and found the last open bakery of the night for some bread but by the time we got home, got boys to bed, and cleaned up enough to eat, S was awake again and it was 11.30pm. I gave up one eating and decided to just pump some milk for S and head to bed but was too stressed to get more than a drop. Which made me feel more stressed and made even less milk come out. Gave up and went to bed thinking about all the things that had made the day so absolutely rotten (did I mention I read an article about a woman miscarrying just to make sure to make myself cry).
My one consolation for the day was that I got into bed before 2am-- a major accomplishment lately-- but then I stayed awake reliving and working through everything in my mind. And here's the thing (I hate that I say that but somehow can't stop myself), as I lay there I realized that the boys and I have this symbiotic relationship in which all of that frustration and self pity I carried around all day just got sucked up and magnified in their tiny little bodies that are still trying to figure out this world. They don't know how or why they're feeling so awful and so they don't know how to communicate it and solve it. I can lay in bed and list everything that went wrong so that I can blog about it and ask anyone who reads it to feel sorry for me or to sympathise with me so that I can feel better. But poor O just feels unhappy and can't decide if he wants to drink his milk out of his sippy cup or out of his bottle because neither one takes away that icky feeling he's had all day. Poor S just can't sleep because no matter how much he cries or suckles, he can't seem to get the comfort he needs because he doesn't know that his mama just couldn't find it to give to him. At the end of the day as I lay there thinking about all the things that went wrong, I couldn't help but think about all my boys that need me to get over myself and make it right for them. Sorry for such a long post. Needed to work through it all. Thanks for listening.
4 comments:
Boo for bad days! But horray for lots of frequent blog posts. I feel like we are keeping in touch better when I can read what you all have been up to. I should probably take that advice and start posting on our blog. Wish we lived closer so we could commiserate together. Sorry you're sick. Hope you get better soon. Besos!
Hi Marie. I just read your post and I want you to know that it gets better. Having two non-speakers is so hard. When both the girls were babies there were so many days when I felt that I was failing everyone and totally overwhelmed by my responsibilities. Things are much better now and they will get better for you too. For me, they really turned around when Rosie started speaking. It really made things easier.
Marie, this makes me feel so sad. I wish I could magically transport myself there and help you out. I have totally had those days, but the good thing is kids seem to forget that stuff and remember the good more than the bad. Sometimes all you can do is pray yourself through those bad days. XOXO
@Michelle-- It's funny but I'm finding that frequent blog posts about very mundane things instead of rare posts about more interesting events help me to feel more connected to everyone as well. I mean these are the things I would be blabbing about to everyone I miss if I were actually living near you guys and hanging out. And yes, you do need to take your advice. we need walking video.
@Nancy-- Thank you so much esp. since I know you speak from experience. I'm actually just so happy to not be pregnant and dealing with O that dealing with two kids seems like a breeze. Generally they're both such happy good boys that it really hit home how much my bad moods affect them.
@Holly-- I just wish you were closer so that we could sit down with some Ben and Jerry's and I could whine to you about it while we watch some silly show. Really that day was just one of those days where you're too tired to decide to make the best of it. Yesterday the kids slept for three hours at the same time and O got to play with a friend in the sun in the park so we all felt better. Even if my night ended in going to IKEA to pick up an air purifier to get rid of all the dust from the construction and then cleaning up the dust until 4am. But flat is clean today and I'm feeling good despite getting less sleep than ever.
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