Tea Party

This is apparently the boy version of a tea party. O and S pulled out our step stool, grabbed a few glass vases and sat down and delicately perched their toy cars in their fancy teacups.

After putting O and S to bed, I took a little while to cuddle J before he fell asleep. When his moans trailed off and his eyes more or less permanently closed, I went to lay him down in the now quiet and dark nursery. From the corner I heard O's sweet voice, "Sebastian's car?"

He wanted to take S's little toy car to bed so I asked him where it was. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you know where Sebastian's car is?

O (in a Boston accent for no explicable reason): Yeah. I put it somewheh.

Me (all full of hope for a quick toy find): Where did you put it?

O (still from Boston): Sebastian had it and then he gave it to me and then I put it somewheh. I don't know wheh I put it. I put it somewheh.

We have a lot of conversations like this. So much time and empty hope could be saved if he just said no.

And the P.S. to this story? As I finished typing this post, I went back into the room to check on the boys. O informed me that he had found the car. Sigh of relief, until he used his very next exhale to say he didn't know wheh it was and that he put it somewheh. After putting my cheeks to some very dirty floors to look under some very huge fur/post-pregnancy hair loss hairballs, Bastian's car was found. In the car basket.

I love projects. I especially love to start projects. I love coming up with projects to do. Dreaming about working on projects. Shopping for supplies for projects. Staying up late at night thinking about projects. Making lists of the steps and things I need to finish a project. Planning how I'm going to sneak moments into my day to work on said project. I love that moment I finally put my hands on a new project. I love that moment I'm in the middle of a project when I know enough about what I'm doing to let myself be absorbed in it, after I've suffered through all my failed beginning attempts and found my rhythm. I love that moment I finally put my hands down and realize that a project is complete and good enough (perfection isn't in my reality).

I just kind of struggle in a couple of points in a project timeline. The first stall comes right after purchasing supplies and right before actually picking up those supplies for the purpose of using them. The second stall comes right after I've made the first few frustrating attempts at trying something new and being forced to stare at a concrete example of my imperfections, inadequacies, and utter failure to fulfill my expectations of myself.

I've come to realize that I have a huge amount of fear in my life. I'm afraid of so many things. I won't list them here but I will mention one huge fear-- the fear of failure. It paralyzes me and helps fuel those stalls in my many many projects, both dreamed about and begun but not completed. So here is my attempt to force myself to push through that fear. I am listing my projects here so that they are out there and holding me to some amount of accountability.

So far on my list of projects to work on that I keep on my nightstand are the following:

Julian's birth announcements (Oh yes, I have had them here for about three months now but, you know... holidays...three kids...ear infections...buying cat food...ok fine, making them a priority.)

Vests for Oliver's school (Um, yes, I committed to sewing 60 little vests for our little preschool because I am filled with hope and delusions.)

Floral botanical Rorschach cutout (Just click on the link if you're curious.)

Blown up photos of baby's breath (They are the flowers we used at our wedding that I plan on using as some art for our bedroom.)

Smoke wheel photo (again, because of delusions but I have the perfect spot to put it if it's ever done)

Black and white crane mobile for Julian's bed (actually did complete one for Sebastian)

Mapplethorpe-ish photos of the boys (You may have seen my beginnings in that one and here we are at a stall.)

Smoke photos (just think they're pretty)

Butterfly painting (a big big big one)

Star painting (a big big big one but a lot less work than a butterfly one)

Alphabet book for the boys

Bleaching a shirt I accidentally bleached part of so that it looks like I did it on purpose

Sewing stronger elastic in the waistbands of some of O's pants (Most likely will just be put off until he grows into them. Until then his pants will just keep falling down at school-- nothing traumatizing there)

Organize the desk and closets (Already have a pretty collection of tins and boxes to use. Cue stall)

Knit a scarf (prep work for the next project)

Knit a blanket (Spent an awful lot on supplies for this one because the knitting shop wa sjust so sweet and cozy. Also, it was supposed to be for Sebastian last year.)

Pillows for the sofa (Not actually sure what I mean. Did I mention I come up with a lot of these late at night and write them down in a bit of a haze. Seriously, what do I mean?)

Photo of the world according to O (Or the world according to him back when he was about 18mos. Got to learn Photoshop for this one and.... stall.)

Monthly photo of Julian (Four month photo-check.)

Line drawing of Julian nursing (All I need to do is learn how to draw figures for this one. Easy peasy.)

While typing this I came up with a few more. Ah failure, thy name is Marie.

P.S. Anyone have any great projects for me to dream about and write on my list late at night and go buy stuff for so that I can feel comfortable surrounded by my mounds of potential (that's what I've decided to think of my mounds of unfinished and unstarted projects as)?